Ulusaba, an invitation to an exclusive private game reserve was once in a lifetime experience. This was an opportunity for exploration, business and pleasure. Business being the key word for my better half!
Here we were, after a long and pleasant flight, at Rock Lodge, Ulusaba, with spectacular views across the plains. We had been on several safaris before but this one was unique, in more ways than one!
Safaris conjure up images of danger, lions, tigers, cheetahs, all ready to pounce for their next meal. But we drove around in open top jeeps, and sat within metres of the BIG 5 - they ignored us whilst we sat in awe of them! This was a pharmacists convention - animals have choices too!
The business brains of Britain were in our jeep and enthusiasm was in abundance. Cameras ready, we stopped to listen to the jungle noises, when someone whispered, 'Listen, to this unique sound, never heard it before, shhhhhhh'
The ranger broke the silence and bubble by telling us that the 'unique' sound was the engine noise!!
That did not hinder the wannabee Attenboroughs in our jeep.
'Look over there, it's a huge elephant' piped the other.
Ranger rushed over, jeep trudged over the small rocks, bushes, shrubs to find the 'huge' ROCK!
Now this does not mean that we did not encounter any elephants. We saw an angry herd making threatening noises towards the other jeep. We poised ready to film the action, making plans to put it on 'YouTube'! Having said that, we did consider radioing in for help for a split second!
Leaving the dispersed herd of elephants, we set off to find leopards and lions. Huddled under warm ponchos and a hot water bottle we scanned the landscape to spot the 'real game'. Then the unthinkable happened. The silence of the wilderness was shattered with a piercing scream from one of the members from our jeep. With shaking limbs and thumping hearts we turned around to witness Navin battling for his life, arms thrashing, fighting to emerge from under his attacker. We watched as he battled on and triumphantly threw this thing off him. Thunderous applause from all of us, as Navin was declared the 'Badshah' - king of the jungle. Textbooks would be rewritten, film deals were bound to follow, we dreamed on as Navin basked in all the glory. Fighting a 'TWIG' is no mean feat!
Needless to say, the hero of the jungle was ecstatic and keen to show off his skills for the rest of the trip. Unfortunately, a severe bout of hayfever hindered him but his spirits were not dampened. Of course, being a pharmacists convention, there were plenty of anti histamines available, but nothing worked. Determined to get our king better, we asked if there were any local remedies that would help. Our ranger gave us his secret, and hayfever, what's hayfever? The remedy was instantaneous, the cure a little smelly but effective. Breathe in the fumes from the elephants' dung!
As I mentioned earlier, we had the best of the British entrepreneurs with us, and pound signs lit up in their eyes. Navin was jubilant, he would be the 'KING' of the universe! 'Navityn' was going to be the world leader leaving 'clarityn' as a relic of the past! He upgraded to first class as we headed back home. No more club class for the founder of worlds fastest acting hayfever remedy, NAVITYN! I watched and learnt!
I heard rumours that Johannesburg Duty Free Diamond retailers are sponsoring the next trip, as they had a very lucrative hour whilst we waited for our flight home.
Did I just say Diamonds? Why did I only bring back muffins? Time to make that specsavers appointment!!
Tuesday 26 October 2010
Thursday 17 June 2010
CHINA
Holidays for me are a hard fought and won events. My better half looks sadder than a funeral director, with a face that says a thousand words and brain that thinks of thousand excuses of why we should not be going- the timing, work deadlines, employees cat’s funeral, visits from unheard of relatives……………….no wonder when he eventually agrees, we encounter a few mishaps on the way!
Take China for instance………………Eat your heart out, Buzz Lightyear, this was our Buzz of the year!
‘Why have you got so many suitcases?’ exclaimed my good half!
But then only he would ask a dumb question like that! Come on, fake goods, Gucci, Prada, Versace were beckoning to be bought!!
Luggage crammed in the taxi…’sorry, just one more, oh, and this carry on, and this carrier bag…….’ Boot slammed shut, driver cursing his bad luck for getting the short straw, we set off!
Has everyone got their passports, I jested? My sensible half insisted we looked and made sure, and …………ok one passport was missing- had to be his- the passport had his photo, bound to be working away somewhere, I wanted to say but sombre glum faces looked accusingly at me, so I kept my mouth tightly shut!
No harm done, only a few minutes delay, turn back, halt, ahhh, house keys…..Aladdin’s cave of a bag had everything, lipstick, contact lenses, sunglasses, thepla, chevdo, (sunscreen? In winter? Must’ve been there from the last journey), house keys, NO.
Found them, had been in my pocket all along! I wanted to do a ‘Fawlty towers’ scenario and whack them for hiding in there but had to gag my mouth yet again!!
Next task, find the passport…….all hands to deck, house looked like it had been burgled, (positive side being it would be easy to make an insurance claim!), socks, undies, shirts, no passport.
Ahh, my brain cell remembered, I had stuffed it in the bedside cabinet in a bag within a bag. Why? Long story………
We had had these special wallets sent by the tour company for our passports, and for a change I had decided to be efficient and put each passport in its own wallet. On the day, it seemed a little silly to carry four wallets, so transferred all to one wallet, but unfortunately, one of the passports decided to play hide and seek and hid in the wallet, which I stuffed in another bag, as I do not like coming back to a messy house!!
One would think I had lost the crown jewels! Pessimistic voices droned on and on and on…..just as well we were early……….we could have missed the plane………passports are not something you can buy……!
Was I glad to see the airport!
Lucky day, no queues! Got there in time!! Thank you GOD!
‘Sorry you have just missed the flight’ said the attendant
‘WHAT?’
Check, check, check- yep, ticket said flight was at 7pm, we had arrived at 7:15pm, but the e mail had said the flight was supposed to be at 10pm.
Miloni, the secretary had given us the incorrect times and we had not checked the tickets. I had been too busy singing Cliff Richards, ‘we are all going on a China holiday………….,’ no time or inclination to act like a schoolmaster and check the secretary’s work!!
Disastrous consequences it may have been but there was not a lot we could do, except wait for the next flight, which we were told was full. I prayed that someone else had made the same mistake, giving us the chance to get on and still make the connection to Shanghai.
Miloni, me lonely
Sab log chale gaye
Hum reh gaye
Miloni, tune yeh kya kiya
Miloni, me lonely
‘I can’t believe this- all this distress and you are writing a shairi?’
What else is there to do in the three hours?
Finally, fantastic, 6 people had not turned up! Brilliant, me not lonely! Not so fast- bureaucracy mad officials tell me our names were not amongst the first in the waiting list, so can’t board.
‘And don’t say me lonely, one more time’ screamed the dejected family in unison.
I did not have the heart to say I was thinking more of
inhi logo ne,
inhi logo ne,
inhi logo ne le liyi china ki seat meri
I could have easily danced away with the baggage trolley wheels as the ghunghroo, but looks seemed to sear me with kebab skewers, my eye balls as lychees roasting away……..
‘Why don’t we go to the airport internet café upstairs and book another ticket’ said one of my intelligent boys.
I swear if I hadn’t given birth to him, I would have demanded a DNA test!!
‘Please, allow me to make amends, I will find another flight’ I said in my meek sorry voice.
I have never seen such incredulous looks!! Did I think they were mad? Persuasive powers took over in full force- against their better judgment they agreed.
I am a genius, day felt like hell, so looked for flights to Hell Sink In and bingo!! Booked- Heathrow- Helsinki-Shanghai! Ok, admit it was a little bit of a detour, but I managed to get us all there!! I don’t give up; I am a positive kinda gal!!
Fantastic holiday, stared in amazement at the Indian army of fake UGG boots!! The terracotta army was good too!!
Alright, did manage to get lost a couple of times- didn’t have time to learn any of the Chinese lingo so communications was a little difficult!
‘Hoo Tel?’ Suddenly, someone called Mr Hoo appeared!
It is such a shame that the day the ‘sat navs’ were handed out, my brain had to queue up for humour!!
Round and round I went, had tears of frustration, could see me years later polishing shoes, with slitty eyes straining to find my loved ones……singing
Chalte chalte, chalte chalte
Yuhi gum hogayi mein
Kitne saal hogaye , Chalte chalte, chalte chalte
Luckily, the stars were in my favour and I found someone who could speak English!! I did a magical twirl and there standing in front of me was the hotel!! You may well laugh, but it’s easy to miss the Name written in English under the Chinese script!!
Shanghai to Beijing- what could possibly go wrong?
Slight problem of separation from the rest of my family, but coaches were going to the same airport so there was no need to panic.
Waited patiently for the next coach to arrive, mind lost in learning Chinese songs
Lin min yin
Qin tin win
I vill win
I m queen
Time left me in my musical world where Leona Lewis wept whilst I coveted the record of the year award……….
‘There she is!’ I turned around to face the thousands of fans, only to see Chinese soldiers rushing towards me. Instinct told me ‘RUN’ - communist country- maybe Qin, min, Lin were swear words; I ran as fast as my tree trunks would let me!
‘STOP, MUM’ my babies, how could I forget my babies. No option, I was going to face the music and give myself up!
It transpired that my knight in shining armour had sent out a search party because everyone else from my coach had checked in safe and sound and I was nowhere to be seen. How could I have checked in without my Swami?
I will never forget seeing the tears of relief on my saviour‘s face when they found me. I will also never forget how they turned to fireballs when he realised I was waiting at the International Departures instead of the Local departures! Some people are never pleased for long!!
The rest of the trip was full of fun filled laughter. We made some very good friends, may have appeared on local TV as the most cosmopolitan group- Indian folk in Beijing, wearing comical Chinese hats, eating Italian food singing Hindi songs!!
Loved every minute of it!
I still can’t figure out why my better half would rather stick pins in his eyes than take me on another holiday!!
Take China for instance………………Eat your heart out, Buzz Lightyear, this was our Buzz of the year!
‘Why have you got so many suitcases?’ exclaimed my good half!
But then only he would ask a dumb question like that! Come on, fake goods, Gucci, Prada, Versace were beckoning to be bought!!
Luggage crammed in the taxi…’sorry, just one more, oh, and this carry on, and this carrier bag…….’ Boot slammed shut, driver cursing his bad luck for getting the short straw, we set off!
Has everyone got their passports, I jested? My sensible half insisted we looked and made sure, and …………ok one passport was missing- had to be his- the passport had his photo, bound to be working away somewhere, I wanted to say but sombre glum faces looked accusingly at me, so I kept my mouth tightly shut!
No harm done, only a few minutes delay, turn back, halt, ahhh, house keys…..Aladdin’s cave of a bag had everything, lipstick, contact lenses, sunglasses, thepla, chevdo, (sunscreen? In winter? Must’ve been there from the last journey), house keys, NO.
Found them, had been in my pocket all along! I wanted to do a ‘Fawlty towers’ scenario and whack them for hiding in there but had to gag my mouth yet again!!
Next task, find the passport…….all hands to deck, house looked like it had been burgled, (positive side being it would be easy to make an insurance claim!), socks, undies, shirts, no passport.
Ahh, my brain cell remembered, I had stuffed it in the bedside cabinet in a bag within a bag. Why? Long story………
We had had these special wallets sent by the tour company for our passports, and for a change I had decided to be efficient and put each passport in its own wallet. On the day, it seemed a little silly to carry four wallets, so transferred all to one wallet, but unfortunately, one of the passports decided to play hide and seek and hid in the wallet, which I stuffed in another bag, as I do not like coming back to a messy house!!
One would think I had lost the crown jewels! Pessimistic voices droned on and on and on…..just as well we were early……….we could have missed the plane………passports are not something you can buy……!
Was I glad to see the airport!
Lucky day, no queues! Got there in time!! Thank you GOD!
‘Sorry you have just missed the flight’ said the attendant
‘WHAT?’
Check, check, check- yep, ticket said flight was at 7pm, we had arrived at 7:15pm, but the e mail had said the flight was supposed to be at 10pm.
Miloni, the secretary had given us the incorrect times and we had not checked the tickets. I had been too busy singing Cliff Richards, ‘we are all going on a China holiday………….,’ no time or inclination to act like a schoolmaster and check the secretary’s work!!
Disastrous consequences it may have been but there was not a lot we could do, except wait for the next flight, which we were told was full. I prayed that someone else had made the same mistake, giving us the chance to get on and still make the connection to Shanghai.
Miloni, me lonely
Sab log chale gaye
Hum reh gaye
Miloni, tune yeh kya kiya
Miloni, me lonely
‘I can’t believe this- all this distress and you are writing a shairi?’
What else is there to do in the three hours?
Finally, fantastic, 6 people had not turned up! Brilliant, me not lonely! Not so fast- bureaucracy mad officials tell me our names were not amongst the first in the waiting list, so can’t board.
‘And don’t say me lonely, one more time’ screamed the dejected family in unison.
I did not have the heart to say I was thinking more of
inhi logo ne,
inhi logo ne,
inhi logo ne le liyi china ki seat meri
I could have easily danced away with the baggage trolley wheels as the ghunghroo, but looks seemed to sear me with kebab skewers, my eye balls as lychees roasting away……..
‘Why don’t we go to the airport internet café upstairs and book another ticket’ said one of my intelligent boys.
I swear if I hadn’t given birth to him, I would have demanded a DNA test!!
‘Please, allow me to make amends, I will find another flight’ I said in my meek sorry voice.
I have never seen such incredulous looks!! Did I think they were mad? Persuasive powers took over in full force- against their better judgment they agreed.
I am a genius, day felt like hell, so looked for flights to Hell Sink In and bingo!! Booked- Heathrow- Helsinki-Shanghai! Ok, admit it was a little bit of a detour, but I managed to get us all there!! I don’t give up; I am a positive kinda gal!!
Fantastic holiday, stared in amazement at the Indian army of fake UGG boots!! The terracotta army was good too!!
Alright, did manage to get lost a couple of times- didn’t have time to learn any of the Chinese lingo so communications was a little difficult!
‘Hoo Tel?’ Suddenly, someone called Mr Hoo appeared!
It is such a shame that the day the ‘sat navs’ were handed out, my brain had to queue up for humour!!
Round and round I went, had tears of frustration, could see me years later polishing shoes, with slitty eyes straining to find my loved ones……singing
Chalte chalte, chalte chalte
Yuhi gum hogayi mein
Kitne saal hogaye , Chalte chalte, chalte chalte
Luckily, the stars were in my favour and I found someone who could speak English!! I did a magical twirl and there standing in front of me was the hotel!! You may well laugh, but it’s easy to miss the Name written in English under the Chinese script!!
Shanghai to Beijing- what could possibly go wrong?
Slight problem of separation from the rest of my family, but coaches were going to the same airport so there was no need to panic.
Waited patiently for the next coach to arrive, mind lost in learning Chinese songs
Lin min yin
Qin tin win
I vill win
I m queen
Time left me in my musical world where Leona Lewis wept whilst I coveted the record of the year award……….
‘There she is!’ I turned around to face the thousands of fans, only to see Chinese soldiers rushing towards me. Instinct told me ‘RUN’ - communist country- maybe Qin, min, Lin were swear words; I ran as fast as my tree trunks would let me!
‘STOP, MUM’ my babies, how could I forget my babies. No option, I was going to face the music and give myself up!
It transpired that my knight in shining armour had sent out a search party because everyone else from my coach had checked in safe and sound and I was nowhere to be seen. How could I have checked in without my Swami?
I will never forget seeing the tears of relief on my saviour‘s face when they found me. I will also never forget how they turned to fireballs when he realised I was waiting at the International Departures instead of the Local departures! Some people are never pleased for long!!
The rest of the trip was full of fun filled laughter. We made some very good friends, may have appeared on local TV as the most cosmopolitan group- Indian folk in Beijing, wearing comical Chinese hats, eating Italian food singing Hindi songs!!
Loved every minute of it!
I still can’t figure out why my better half would rather stick pins in his eyes than take me on another holiday!!
Thursday 10 June 2010
PRETTY MADDI
Saturday nights not so long ago were grooving away on the disco floor, arms up in the air, gyrating to Abba, (well, it seems like not so long ago), but now Saturdays are Mehfils, sedate dinner parties, TV, Mehfils and more Mehfils!!!
Mehfils give the not so young a chance to gyrate to the groovy Bollywood hot sizzling numbers, sitting on the floor! Bhangra numbers overwork the arm movements but most of us have the luxury of ‘maids’ whose tasks include massaging the aching limbs, housework, cooking, looking after the children, all under the expert eyes of the overworked housewives!!
So here I was, going to another Mehfil at a very luxurious hotel up North somewhere! I was not looking forward to it at all because I was going to be amongst some very elite strangers. One of my very good friends had organised the event to raise some funds for the orphans in India, so the least I could do was support it.
Sensing my apprehension, she sent me a list of people attending, to enable me to choose who I wanted to sit next to. My beady eyes scrolled down the list, mentally judging;
Radhika- no chance, I didn’t want my better half pretending he was her ‘Kano’
Lila- sounded too green
Babli- no way, she was going to be too bubbly to handle
Aishwarya- you must be kidding
Madhubala and Yogesh- PERFECT
I must be at the wrong table- my mentally sussed Madhubala was supposed to be the podgy round faced masi with big hoop earrings - this one was a goddess! Ash’s looks, Preity Zinta’s dimples, Lara Dutta’s legs, big green emerald eyes, (wish I had laid off the fake contact lenses!) and Shilpa Shetty’s figure (why were my rolls of fat coming out in droves to see her?) Maddy and Yogi had murdered Madhubala and Yogesh and stolen their identities!
She obviously didn’t have children- wrong, three! (Must have spent thousands on liposuction is all I am going to say)
She is young, wait till she reaches the dreaded 50! – Wrong again, she was 53!
If I was her father, I would have put thumbscrews on my wife until she revealed the true identity of the father. Having said that, I think it was a clear and undisputed case of genetic engineering!
Forget about pretending, my soon to be dead other half, changed quicker than a chameleon into her ‘kanhaiyo’ playing the flute with his eyes! What was the wimp Yogesh doing? My eyes challenged him to tear my hubby into shreds but Yogi maharaj just sat there spouting off ‘Maddy’s’ achievements like chanting mantras on his ‘rudraksh mada!’
‘Maddy is such a good dancer- she has won several awards for her kathak……….
Maddy is such a good cook- she has won several awards for her cooking……….
Maddy is such a good golfer she has ……….’
Yeah yeah yeah, stop driving me MAD I wanted to scream but my smile held on its dignity! I expected my robot to wake up from his deep trance and start reeling off my achievements……ok fictitious something, but all he could magically mutter was…….
‘wow, that is so great……….wow, fantastic……….wow, incredible…………would love to have a game with you………….’ Praises seem to be rolling out of my Pati Parmeshwar who has never seen let alone played Golf!
Wait till you get home, wow will be OW……..and the only thing you will be playing will be golf with your BALLS!
‘….sorry?’ I seemed to have drifted from the conversation
‘Do you like Polo?’ said the honey sweet voice
‘Polo, of course, great after curries, love sucking through the hole in the centre……’
Slight confusion, mints……..come on, who plays Polo these days? Who did she think she was? Royalty? Oh really, Maharani of Piplica, or something like that, (I only had sweets on my mind, so sounded like Pipi) great grand daughter!
‘Maddi is such a ….’
‘Good polo player, I know’ I interjected.
There seemed nothing else to do except kill her. I have often wondered why they don’t have carving knives on the dinner table!
I felt sick; I had caught the Green disease which was spreading rapidly throughout my body; any moment now I would turn into the Incredible Hulk….one consolation……would be able to strangle her single-handedly………..
mar diya jay
yah chhod diya jay
bol tera saath kya sulug kiya jay
Did everyone hear me sing? Why was everyone clapping? Why was everyone looking at our table?
‘Ladies and Gentleman, please give a huge round of applause for Pretty Maddy’
Little miss perfect adjusted her pallu to reveal more of the perfect flesh and turned around to get up.
Why was my better half grinning like a Cheshire cat from ear to ear?
‘Come on darling, everyone’s waiting’ he purred
Did he just call her darling? I am so glad that so many murder cases go unsolved; I had a chance……
The compeer rattled on
‘Aayi ye, hum aapki shairi ke liye betaab hein, ladies and gentleman’
PRITY MODI
The green eyed monster squeezed himself out of me and jumped straight into Maddy!
I strutted onto the stage like a peacock!
Mehfils give the not so young a chance to gyrate to the groovy Bollywood hot sizzling numbers, sitting on the floor! Bhangra numbers overwork the arm movements but most of us have the luxury of ‘maids’ whose tasks include massaging the aching limbs, housework, cooking, looking after the children, all under the expert eyes of the overworked housewives!!
So here I was, going to another Mehfil at a very luxurious hotel up North somewhere! I was not looking forward to it at all because I was going to be amongst some very elite strangers. One of my very good friends had organised the event to raise some funds for the orphans in India, so the least I could do was support it.
Sensing my apprehension, she sent me a list of people attending, to enable me to choose who I wanted to sit next to. My beady eyes scrolled down the list, mentally judging;
Radhika- no chance, I didn’t want my better half pretending he was her ‘Kano’
Lila- sounded too green
Babli- no way, she was going to be too bubbly to handle
Aishwarya- you must be kidding
Madhubala and Yogesh- PERFECT
I must be at the wrong table- my mentally sussed Madhubala was supposed to be the podgy round faced masi with big hoop earrings - this one was a goddess! Ash’s looks, Preity Zinta’s dimples, Lara Dutta’s legs, big green emerald eyes, (wish I had laid off the fake contact lenses!) and Shilpa Shetty’s figure (why were my rolls of fat coming out in droves to see her?) Maddy and Yogi had murdered Madhubala and Yogesh and stolen their identities!
She obviously didn’t have children- wrong, three! (Must have spent thousands on liposuction is all I am going to say)
She is young, wait till she reaches the dreaded 50! – Wrong again, she was 53!
If I was her father, I would have put thumbscrews on my wife until she revealed the true identity of the father. Having said that, I think it was a clear and undisputed case of genetic engineering!
Forget about pretending, my soon to be dead other half, changed quicker than a chameleon into her ‘kanhaiyo’ playing the flute with his eyes! What was the wimp Yogesh doing? My eyes challenged him to tear my hubby into shreds but Yogi maharaj just sat there spouting off ‘Maddy’s’ achievements like chanting mantras on his ‘rudraksh mada!’
‘Maddy is such a good dancer- she has won several awards for her kathak……….
Maddy is such a good cook- she has won several awards for her cooking……….
Maddy is such a good golfer she has ……….’
Yeah yeah yeah, stop driving me MAD I wanted to scream but my smile held on its dignity! I expected my robot to wake up from his deep trance and start reeling off my achievements……ok fictitious something, but all he could magically mutter was…….
‘wow, that is so great……….wow, fantastic……….wow, incredible…………would love to have a game with you………….’ Praises seem to be rolling out of my Pati Parmeshwar who has never seen let alone played Golf!
Wait till you get home, wow will be OW……..and the only thing you will be playing will be golf with your BALLS!
‘….sorry?’ I seemed to have drifted from the conversation
‘Do you like Polo?’ said the honey sweet voice
‘Polo, of course, great after curries, love sucking through the hole in the centre……’
Slight confusion, mints……..come on, who plays Polo these days? Who did she think she was? Royalty? Oh really, Maharani of Piplica, or something like that, (I only had sweets on my mind, so sounded like Pipi) great grand daughter!
‘Maddi is such a ….’
‘Good polo player, I know’ I interjected.
There seemed nothing else to do except kill her. I have often wondered why they don’t have carving knives on the dinner table!
I felt sick; I had caught the Green disease which was spreading rapidly throughout my body; any moment now I would turn into the Incredible Hulk….one consolation……would be able to strangle her single-handedly………..
mar diya jay
yah chhod diya jay
bol tera saath kya sulug kiya jay
Did everyone hear me sing? Why was everyone clapping? Why was everyone looking at our table?
‘Ladies and Gentleman, please give a huge round of applause for Pretty Maddy’
Little miss perfect adjusted her pallu to reveal more of the perfect flesh and turned around to get up.
Why was my better half grinning like a Cheshire cat from ear to ear?
‘Come on darling, everyone’s waiting’ he purred
Did he just call her darling? I am so glad that so many murder cases go unsolved; I had a chance……
The compeer rattled on
‘Aayi ye, hum aapki shairi ke liye betaab hein, ladies and gentleman’
PRITY MODI
The green eyed monster squeezed himself out of me and jumped straight into Maddy!
I strutted onto the stage like a peacock!
Shopping experience
Sun was shining, birds were singing, I wasn't working, so dragged my sis out of her busy accountancy practice, asked her sec to cancel all her appts, so we could spend not a beautiful day in the park, but go shopping for Indian clothes!! Kurtis, leggings, alien attire not found in MK, so off we went to the boutiques in Ealing road. It was about time I blended in with all you glamorous ladies!
'Can I help you, Mam', asked the stick thin shop assistant. 'No, thank you' just browsing, I politely replied! After a little banter amongst sisters, decided on this exquisite kurti, so asked her if she had it in other sizes. Her eyes wandered down to my oversized chappals hastily borrowed from my mum, as my killer heels were a little too unsafe for Ealing Road!
'That is £180' she screeched haughtily! Then to add insult to injury, she sized me up with piercing eyes and said in a very loud voice 'And we only go up to XXL'
Suddenly the birds seemed to looking at my 'michelin' frame laughing instead of singing, the builders seemed to be whistling in amazement at the mass of rolling fat sliding along with flappy chappals, and the sun seemed to be trying very hard to laser some harsh rays in a bid to shrink my XXXL voluptuous body! I had visions of being shown on OUT AND ABOUT, as a gigantic whale full of blubbery mass, wobbling along on Ealing Road!!
Well, I did what every sane person would do- go to Sakoni for a large passionfruit juice, bhajias, mogo, khichi, followed by street vendor's corn on the cob! And promised myself I will go on a strict diet from tomorrow, which will have to start tomorrow, as today so far, has been, a not so healthy diet of chocolates and strawberries, with a just a dash of cream!!
My sister, who incidently hasn't stopped laughing since yesterday, has kindly pointed out that eating rotla instead of rotli may help in reducing the BMI (Blubber Mass Index) if the accompaniments of fried foods are changed!!!
As for the clothes, well, you'd never have recognised me in the kurtis anyway!!
But jinxed I am. I had a blouse that was too revealing, all open and strappy, so I asked my sister to have it altered in India. And it came back, beautifully embroidered, with a beaded neckline, long sleeves and I could just see me sexily sauntering to an exclusive reception, wearing it! I threw off my blouse and tried to put this choli on- the tailor had altered it but had forgotten to put any hooks or zip or buttons! Slim I am not, and a conjurer I am definitely not!
After everyone had had a good laugh at my expense, we took it to see if anyone could alter it in Ealing road. Bazaars after bazaars but no sign of these tailors who I was told were at every shop corner! Eventually managed to find a tailor, who feasted his eyes on my abundant assets, looked at the blouse, back at my jugs, and politely asked, 'madam, is this your blouse?' No, I stole it from the long legged bimbo, I wanted to say, but I muttered yes, glaring at my sister, who was still in stitches after the incident described above.
'sorry, madam, but this no fit you, no way' was the look on his face but I was not going to let anyone else tell me I was an elephant in disguise, so I said arrogantly 'This blouse is mine and all it need is a zip on the side, as I cannot wear a contraption without hooks or zips'. Well, he was not going to let years of experience go down without a fight, so he said he would unstitch the sides for me to try it, as he did not wish to alter it and have me complain afterwards! My sister agreed with him, so I stomped off to the fitting room.
What can I say? The tailor won!! My sister was in hysterics again, saying I must have put on weight, but to jump two sizes in two weeks is a tall order even for me! To cut a long story short, the tailor in India had taken off the zig zag strings and stitched the two sides together making it ten sizes too small!! The frightening thing is my mind couldn't see by looking at it that it would not fit me even if I dieted for the rest of my life!
They say anorexics look in the mirror and think they are fat, I look and see if my failing eyesight can see the grey hairs, if my boobs are falling out, if my bum is contained within the huge knickers and if my make up has miraculously made my skin flawless or if the wrinkles are fighting with the make up to get out!! The way I see it is, even a road has to have bumps to slow down racing cars, so the rolling hills of my body are oblivious to me!!
'Can I help you, Mam', asked the stick thin shop assistant. 'No, thank you' just browsing, I politely replied! After a little banter amongst sisters, decided on this exquisite kurti, so asked her if she had it in other sizes. Her eyes wandered down to my oversized chappals hastily borrowed from my mum, as my killer heels were a little too unsafe for Ealing Road!
'That is £180' she screeched haughtily! Then to add insult to injury, she sized me up with piercing eyes and said in a very loud voice 'And we only go up to XXL'
Suddenly the birds seemed to looking at my 'michelin' frame laughing instead of singing, the builders seemed to be whistling in amazement at the mass of rolling fat sliding along with flappy chappals, and the sun seemed to be trying very hard to laser some harsh rays in a bid to shrink my XXXL voluptuous body! I had visions of being shown on OUT AND ABOUT, as a gigantic whale full of blubbery mass, wobbling along on Ealing Road!!
Well, I did what every sane person would do- go to Sakoni for a large passionfruit juice, bhajias, mogo, khichi, followed by street vendor's corn on the cob! And promised myself I will go on a strict diet from tomorrow, which will have to start tomorrow, as today so far, has been, a not so healthy diet of chocolates and strawberries, with a just a dash of cream!!
My sister, who incidently hasn't stopped laughing since yesterday, has kindly pointed out that eating rotla instead of rotli may help in reducing the BMI (Blubber Mass Index) if the accompaniments of fried foods are changed!!!
As for the clothes, well, you'd never have recognised me in the kurtis anyway!!
But jinxed I am. I had a blouse that was too revealing, all open and strappy, so I asked my sister to have it altered in India. And it came back, beautifully embroidered, with a beaded neckline, long sleeves and I could just see me sexily sauntering to an exclusive reception, wearing it! I threw off my blouse and tried to put this choli on- the tailor had altered it but had forgotten to put any hooks or zip or buttons! Slim I am not, and a conjurer I am definitely not!
After everyone had had a good laugh at my expense, we took it to see if anyone could alter it in Ealing road. Bazaars after bazaars but no sign of these tailors who I was told were at every shop corner! Eventually managed to find a tailor, who feasted his eyes on my abundant assets, looked at the blouse, back at my jugs, and politely asked, 'madam, is this your blouse?' No, I stole it from the long legged bimbo, I wanted to say, but I muttered yes, glaring at my sister, who was still in stitches after the incident described above.
'sorry, madam, but this no fit you, no way' was the look on his face but I was not going to let anyone else tell me I was an elephant in disguise, so I said arrogantly 'This blouse is mine and all it need is a zip on the side, as I cannot wear a contraption without hooks or zips'. Well, he was not going to let years of experience go down without a fight, so he said he would unstitch the sides for me to try it, as he did not wish to alter it and have me complain afterwards! My sister agreed with him, so I stomped off to the fitting room.
What can I say? The tailor won!! My sister was in hysterics again, saying I must have put on weight, but to jump two sizes in two weeks is a tall order even for me! To cut a long story short, the tailor in India had taken off the zig zag strings and stitched the two sides together making it ten sizes too small!! The frightening thing is my mind couldn't see by looking at it that it would not fit me even if I dieted for the rest of my life!
They say anorexics look in the mirror and think they are fat, I look and see if my failing eyesight can see the grey hairs, if my boobs are falling out, if my bum is contained within the huge knickers and if my make up has miraculously made my skin flawless or if the wrinkles are fighting with the make up to get out!! The way I see it is, even a road has to have bumps to slow down racing cars, so the rolling hills of my body are oblivious to me!!
Friday 4 June 2010
Entrepreneurial adventures
My scrape with the law!!!!
A few months ago, I was a little restless- wanted to do something different, something I could really get my teeth into, a new venture.....
Writing a book accomplished, charity work was ongoing long term project, pharmacy, dispensing, post offices, were full of boring issues and problems, I did have my hands full with looking after teenage boys, but I needed to get my pulse racing again, I just had to invite more stress! A normal person would have perfected the aforementioned skills before moving onto another nail biting adventure, but not me! Properties in a recession sounded like the perfect solution!
Geared with little knowledge, I plunged straight into acquiring a rundown property, in LIVERPOOL!! A little far, I hear you say, but it is supposed to be an up and coming city was my rushed research result! Or it may have been a sheer case of failing Geography at school! Of course when the penny finally dropped about the distance, I hired a company to carry out the works and rent it out for me. All running smoothly, millionaire row, here I come, the dreams multiplied in my pea brain- driving around in a Bentley, travelling the world....
Wow, beginners luck, property rented, albeit with a 2 month rent free period but I am an optimist, this was just the beginning, this time next year I would be making a bid for Marks!!
Why is it that when you have such blissful thoughts, the phone rings incessantly?
'yes can I help you' I answered irritably.
'Mrs Modi?' asked the caller
'Who wants to know?'
'Police'
Attention, I spring up, thoughts running wildly. I didn't remember killing anyone, kids and hubby safe and sound, all it could possibly be would be an overdose of shairis or an overdue parking fine! I calmed down and asked what they wanted.
Lets just say the outcome of the conversation has left me running around like a headless chicken! Like a good citizen, I told the police it was commendable that the young tenants had started a beans factory which would provide employment for a very rundown area. Needless to say, I had not known about this, otherwise I would have asked them to get planning permission, but we should always look at the spirit of the youngsters. The kids have a tough enough life without being bogged down with the legalities.................my soap box went into overdrive! I was not going to be bullied by any jumped up 'allo allo' officer into planning issues again! The last six months have given me enough nightmares about planning laws and I refused to be sucked into it again!
Well, I narrowly escaped prison! Not because of verbal abuse, but because of acting like an accomplice.
Its not my fault that I did not understand the young sergeants accent- he had said cannabis factory, not a can of beans factory!!!!
A few months ago, I was a little restless- wanted to do something different, something I could really get my teeth into, a new venture.....
Writing a book accomplished, charity work was ongoing long term project, pharmacy, dispensing, post offices, were full of boring issues and problems, I did have my hands full with looking after teenage boys, but I needed to get my pulse racing again, I just had to invite more stress! A normal person would have perfected the aforementioned skills before moving onto another nail biting adventure, but not me! Properties in a recession sounded like the perfect solution!
Geared with little knowledge, I plunged straight into acquiring a rundown property, in LIVERPOOL!! A little far, I hear you say, but it is supposed to be an up and coming city was my rushed research result! Or it may have been a sheer case of failing Geography at school! Of course when the penny finally dropped about the distance, I hired a company to carry out the works and rent it out for me. All running smoothly, millionaire row, here I come, the dreams multiplied in my pea brain- driving around in a Bentley, travelling the world....
Wow, beginners luck, property rented, albeit with a 2 month rent free period but I am an optimist, this was just the beginning, this time next year I would be making a bid for Marks!!
Why is it that when you have such blissful thoughts, the phone rings incessantly?
'yes can I help you' I answered irritably.
'Mrs Modi?' asked the caller
'Who wants to know?'
'Police'
Attention, I spring up, thoughts running wildly. I didn't remember killing anyone, kids and hubby safe and sound, all it could possibly be would be an overdose of shairis or an overdue parking fine! I calmed down and asked what they wanted.
Lets just say the outcome of the conversation has left me running around like a headless chicken! Like a good citizen, I told the police it was commendable that the young tenants had started a beans factory which would provide employment for a very rundown area. Needless to say, I had not known about this, otherwise I would have asked them to get planning permission, but we should always look at the spirit of the youngsters. The kids have a tough enough life without being bogged down with the legalities.................my soap box went into overdrive! I was not going to be bullied by any jumped up 'allo allo' officer into planning issues again! The last six months have given me enough nightmares about planning laws and I refused to be sucked into it again!
Well, I narrowly escaped prison! Not because of verbal abuse, but because of acting like an accomplice.
Its not my fault that I did not understand the young sergeants accent- he had said cannabis factory, not a can of beans factory!!!!
Thursday 3 June 2010
PM DIARIES
It was just another boring, routine lazy Sat. Boys at school, my workaholic husband at work, beavering away in a mountain of paperwork, or he may have been seeking refuge from me, but I was all alone with my floaty thoughts whisking me away to a land of neverland!
Time passed by and suddenly I saw my better half coming downstairs suited and booted! Panic, panic panic, I remembered we were supposed to go to the Duke of Bedford's Ball!
'Ready?' called the beaming smiling happy face.
Do I look ready, with my tumble dried hair, doss clothes....., I wanted to shout but was in no position to, as I had had a whole day to glam up!
'5 mins darling, just waiting for the fairy godmother' I mumbled rushing upstairs banking on the fact that he would still be flapping around when I came down!!
Couldn't zip the dress up so zipped it up first then tried to slip it on. Big mistake, it got stuck, couldn't move it up or down!! Oh I do hate magic wardrobes that shrink everything! Finally, managed it and felt like a tarmac road roller had squashed my boobs and spread them out to the waist!
And do men realise how difficult it is to apply make up in a fast car? Forget the Ball, I nearly needed an eye ball poking myself with the mascara brush!!
'Try and remember the names' said my master
I dared not tell him the names in my head 'gajjar no halwo' for the gingerhaired lady, 'divel' for the sour faced lady, 'stick insect' for the other.............
'mwah, mwah'
how are you? kids? good, do have a glass of bubbly....................small talk, all I needed to do was concentrate on the names!!
Seated next to me on this very elaborately laid dinner table was someone with a huge rotund belly, that looked like it housed triplets permanently! His wife was the stick insect with long long legs and a shrill voice.
'and what do you do? asked the toff looking around at everyone but me.
I rattled on about all I do, working all hours, writing, charities, writing, murder, I droned on knowing he was not in the slightest bit interested in what I had to say.
'good' said the only talking to you because you happen to be seated next to me voice 'writing anything interesting?'
'ummm, could say that, the PM diaries'
'PM diaries?' shrilled the attachment.
Pin drop silence, all eyes on me, my better half glaring, wondering what I had said now!!
'Tell us more!'
Whoa, I was in my element! They were interested in my work! I could just see me walk along the red carpet, people screaming for my autograph, movie deals, move over Meera Syal, Bridgett Jones, here I come!! A voice piped up over and over interrupting my Technicolor vision.
'Come on, don't be coy, tell us, what is Sam like, how do you know her?'
Sam, who the hell was Sam- wish I had paid more attention to the names, come on brain peas, time to pop out of the pods and remind me, who is Sam?
'Come on, at least give us some details............what are they like? ........I'd love to be the fly on the wall...........you are a dark horse.............
The brain peas finally comprehended what the fuss was about!!
The futuristic visions of the red carpet turned to paparazzi hunting me down, wanting to know who the novice was with access to Downing Street!
My face just froze, didn't need to have botox, the fixed dolls smile remained glued to my jaw, whilst my head jostled to strangle the voice box threatening to scream,
PM diaries!! I meant PRITY MODI diaries!!
I hate silent accusing journeys back home. As I always say, IT WAS NOT MY FAULT!!
Time passed by and suddenly I saw my better half coming downstairs suited and booted! Panic, panic panic, I remembered we were supposed to go to the Duke of Bedford's Ball!
'Ready?' called the beaming smiling happy face.
Do I look ready, with my tumble dried hair, doss clothes....., I wanted to shout but was in no position to, as I had had a whole day to glam up!
'5 mins darling, just waiting for the fairy godmother' I mumbled rushing upstairs banking on the fact that he would still be flapping around when I came down!!
Couldn't zip the dress up so zipped it up first then tried to slip it on. Big mistake, it got stuck, couldn't move it up or down!! Oh I do hate magic wardrobes that shrink everything! Finally, managed it and felt like a tarmac road roller had squashed my boobs and spread them out to the waist!
And do men realise how difficult it is to apply make up in a fast car? Forget the Ball, I nearly needed an eye ball poking myself with the mascara brush!!
'Try and remember the names' said my master
I dared not tell him the names in my head 'gajjar no halwo' for the gingerhaired lady, 'divel' for the sour faced lady, 'stick insect' for the other.............
'mwah, mwah'
how are you? kids? good, do have a glass of bubbly....................small talk, all I needed to do was concentrate on the names!!
Seated next to me on this very elaborately laid dinner table was someone with a huge rotund belly, that looked like it housed triplets permanently! His wife was the stick insect with long long legs and a shrill voice.
'and what do you do? asked the toff looking around at everyone but me.
I rattled on about all I do, working all hours, writing, charities, writing, murder, I droned on knowing he was not in the slightest bit interested in what I had to say.
'good' said the only talking to you because you happen to be seated next to me voice 'writing anything interesting?'
'ummm, could say that, the PM diaries'
'PM diaries?' shrilled the attachment.
Pin drop silence, all eyes on me, my better half glaring, wondering what I had said now!!
'Tell us more!'
Whoa, I was in my element! They were interested in my work! I could just see me walk along the red carpet, people screaming for my autograph, movie deals, move over Meera Syal, Bridgett Jones, here I come!! A voice piped up over and over interrupting my Technicolor vision.
'Come on, don't be coy, tell us, what is Sam like, how do you know her?'
Sam, who the hell was Sam- wish I had paid more attention to the names, come on brain peas, time to pop out of the pods and remind me, who is Sam?
'Come on, at least give us some details............what are they like? ........I'd love to be the fly on the wall...........you are a dark horse.............
The brain peas finally comprehended what the fuss was about!!
The futuristic visions of the red carpet turned to paparazzi hunting me down, wanting to know who the novice was with access to Downing Street!
My face just froze, didn't need to have botox, the fixed dolls smile remained glued to my jaw, whilst my head jostled to strangle the voice box threatening to scream,
PM diaries!! I meant PRITY MODI diaries!!
I hate silent accusing journeys back home. As I always say, IT WAS NOT MY FAULT!!
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