PRETTY MADDI

Saturday nights not so long ago were grooving away on the disco floor, arms up in the air, gyrating to Abba, (well, it seems like not so long ago), but now Saturdays are Mehfils, sedate dinner parties, TV, Mehfils and more Mehfils!!!

Mehfils give the not so young a chance to gyrate to the groovy Bollywood hot sizzling numbers, sitting on the floor! Bhangra numbers overwork the arm movements but most of us have the luxury of ‘maids’ whose tasks include massaging the aching limbs, housework, cooking, looking after the children, all under the expert eyes of the overworked housewives!!

So here I was, going to another Mehfil at a very luxurious hotel up North somewhere! I was not looking forward to it at all because I was going to be amongst some very elite strangers. One of my very good friends had organised the event to raise some funds for the orphans in India, so the least I could do was support it.

Sensing my apprehension, she sent me a list of people attending, to enable me to choose who I wanted to sit next to. My beady eyes scrolled down the list, mentally judging;

Radhika- no chance, I didn’t want my better half pretending he was her ‘Kano’
Lila- sounded too green
Babli- no way, she was going to be too bubbly to handle
Aishwarya- you must be kidding
Madhubala and Yogesh- PERFECT

I must be at the wrong table- my mentally sussed Madhubala was supposed to be the podgy round faced masi with big hoop earrings - this one was a goddess! Ash’s looks, Preity Zinta’s dimples, Lara Dutta’s legs, big green emerald eyes, (wish I had laid off the fake contact lenses!) and Shilpa Shetty’s figure (why were my rolls of fat coming out in droves to see her?) Maddy and Yogi had murdered Madhubala and Yogesh and stolen their identities!

She obviously didn’t have children- wrong, three! (Must have spent thousands on liposuction is all I am going to say)
She is young, wait till she reaches the dreaded 50! – Wrong again, she was 53!

If I was her father, I would have put thumbscrews on my wife until she revealed the true identity of the father. Having said that, I think it was a clear and undisputed case of genetic engineering!

Forget about pretending, my soon to be dead other half, changed quicker than a chameleon into her ‘kanhaiyo’ playing the flute with his eyes! What was the wimp Yogesh doing? My eyes challenged him to tear my hubby into shreds but Yogi maharaj just sat there spouting off ‘Maddy’s’ achievements like chanting mantras on his ‘rudraksh mada!’

‘Maddy is such a good dancer- she has won several awards for her kathak……….
Maddy is such a good cook- she has won several awards for her cooking……….
Maddy is such a good golfer she has ……….’

Yeah yeah yeah, stop driving me MAD I wanted to scream but my smile held on its dignity! I expected my robot to wake up from his deep trance and start reeling off my achievements……ok fictitious something, but all he could magically mutter was…….

‘wow, that is so great……….wow, fantastic……….wow, incredible…………would love to have a game with you………….’ Praises seem to be rolling out of my Pati Parmeshwar who has never seen let alone played Golf!

Wait till you get home, wow will be OW……..and the only thing you will be playing will be golf with your BALLS!

‘….sorry?’ I seemed to have drifted from the conversation
‘Do you like Polo?’ said the honey sweet voice
‘Polo, of course, great after curries, love sucking through the hole in the centre……’

Slight confusion, mints……..come on, who plays Polo these days? Who did she think she was? Royalty? Oh really, Maharani of Piplica, or something like that, (I only had sweets on my mind, so sounded like Pipi) great grand daughter!

‘Maddi is such a ….’
‘Good polo player, I know’ I interjected.

There seemed nothing else to do except kill her. I have often wondered why they don’t have carving knives on the dinner table!

I felt sick; I had caught the Green disease which was spreading rapidly throughout my body; any moment now I would turn into the Incredible Hulk….one consolation……would be able to strangle her single-handedly………..

mar diya jay
yah chhod diya jay
bol tera saath kya sulug kiya jay

Did everyone hear me sing? Why was everyone clapping? Why was everyone looking at our table?

‘Ladies and Gentleman, please give a huge round of applause for Pretty Maddy’

Little miss perfect adjusted her pallu to reveal more of the perfect flesh and turned around to get up.

Why was my better half grinning like a Cheshire cat from ear to ear?

‘Come on darling, everyone’s waiting’ he purred

Did he just call her darling? I am so glad that so many murder cases go unsolved; I had a chance……

The compeer rattled on
‘Aayi ye, hum aapki shairi ke liye betaab hein, ladies and gentleman’

PRITY MODI

The green eyed monster squeezed himself out of me and jumped straight into Maddy!

I strutted onto the stage like a peacock!