Shopping experience

Sun was shining, birds were singing, I wasn't working, so dragged my sis out of her busy accountancy practice, asked her sec to cancel all her appts, so we could spend not a beautiful day in the park, but go shopping for Indian clothes!! Kurtis, leggings, alien attire not found in MK, so off we went to the boutiques in Ealing road. It was about time I blended in with all you glamorous ladies!

'Can I help you, Mam', asked the stick thin shop assistant. 'No, thank you' just browsing, I politely replied! After a little banter amongst sisters, decided on this exquisite kurti, so asked her if she had it in other sizes. Her eyes wandered down to my oversized chappals hastily borrowed from my mum, as my killer heels were a little too unsafe for Ealing Road!
'That is £180' she screeched haughtily! Then to add insult to injury, she sized me up with piercing eyes and said in a very loud voice 'And we only go up to XXL'

Suddenly the birds seemed to looking at my 'michelin' frame laughing instead of singing, the builders seemed to be whistling in amazement at the mass of rolling fat sliding along with flappy chappals, and the sun seemed to be trying very hard to laser some harsh rays in a bid to shrink my XXXL voluptuous body! I had visions of being shown on OUT AND ABOUT, as a gigantic whale full of blubbery mass, wobbling along on Ealing Road!!

Well, I did what every sane person would do- go to Sakoni for a large passionfruit juice, bhajias, mogo, khichi, followed by street vendor's corn on the cob! And promised myself I will go on a strict diet from tomorrow, which will have to start tomorrow, as today so far, has been, a not so healthy diet of chocolates and strawberries, with a just a dash of cream!!
My sister, who incidently hasn't stopped laughing since yesterday, has kindly pointed out that eating rotla instead of rotli may help in reducing the BMI (Blubber Mass Index) if the accompaniments of fried foods are changed!!!

As for the clothes, well, you'd never have recognised me in the kurtis anyway!!

But jinxed I am. I had a blouse that was too revealing, all open and strappy, so I asked my sister to have it altered in India. And it came back, beautifully embroidered, with a beaded neckline, long sleeves and I could just see me sexily sauntering to an exclusive reception, wearing it! I threw off my blouse and tried to put this choli on- the tailor had altered it but had forgotten to put any hooks or zip or buttons! Slim I am not, and a conjurer I am definitely not!

After everyone had had a good laugh at my expense, we took it to see if anyone could alter it in Ealing road. Bazaars after bazaars but no sign of these tailors who I was told were at every shop corner! Eventually managed to find a tailor, who feasted his eyes on my abundant assets, looked at the blouse, back at my jugs, and politely asked, 'madam, is this your blouse?' No, I stole it from the long legged bimbo, I wanted to say, but I muttered yes, glaring at my sister, who was still in stitches after the incident described above.

'sorry, madam, but this no fit you, no way' was the look on his face but I was not going to let anyone else tell me I was an elephant in disguise, so I said arrogantly 'This blouse is mine and all it need is a zip on the side, as I cannot wear a contraption without hooks or zips'. Well, he was not going to let years of experience go down without a fight, so he said he would unstitch the sides for me to try it, as he did not wish to alter it and have me complain afterwards! My sister agreed with him, so I stomped off to the fitting room.

What can I say? The tailor won!! My sister was in hysterics again, saying I must have put on weight, but to jump two sizes in two weeks is a tall order even for me! To cut a long story short, the tailor in India had taken off the zig zag strings and stitched the two sides together making it ten sizes too small!! The frightening thing is my mind couldn't see by looking at it that it would not fit me even if I dieted for the rest of my life!

They say anorexics look in the mirror and think they are fat, I look and see if my failing eyesight can see the grey hairs, if my boobs are falling out, if my bum is contained within the huge knickers and if my make up has miraculously made my skin flawless or if the wrinkles are fighting with the make up to get out!! The way I see it is, even a road has to have bumps to slow down racing cars, so the rolling hills of my body are oblivious to me!!