CHINA

Holidays for me are a hard fought and won events. My better half looks sadder than a funeral director, with a face that says a thousand words and brain that thinks of thousand excuses of why we should not be going- the timing, work deadlines, employees cat’s funeral, visits from unheard of relatives……………….no wonder when he eventually agrees, we encounter a few mishaps on the way!

Take China for instance………………Eat your heart out, Buzz Lightyear, this was our Buzz of the year!

‘Why have you got so many suitcases?’ exclaimed my good half!

But then only he would ask a dumb question like that! Come on, fake goods, Gucci, Prada, Versace were beckoning to be bought!!

Luggage crammed in the taxi…’sorry, just one more, oh, and this carry on, and this carrier bag…….’ Boot slammed shut, driver cursing his bad luck for getting the short straw, we set off!

Has everyone got their passports, I jested? My sensible half insisted we looked and made sure, and …………ok one passport was missing- had to be his- the passport had his photo, bound to be working away somewhere, I wanted to say but sombre glum faces looked accusingly at me, so I kept my mouth tightly shut!

No harm done, only a few minutes delay, turn back, halt, ahhh, house keys…..Aladdin’s cave of a bag had everything, lipstick, contact lenses, sunglasses, thepla, chevdo, (sunscreen? In winter? Must’ve been there from the last journey), house keys, NO.

Found them, had been in my pocket all along! I wanted to do a ‘Fawlty towers’ scenario and whack them for hiding in there but had to gag my mouth yet again!!

Next task, find the passport…….all hands to deck, house looked like it had been burgled, (positive side being it would be easy to make an insurance claim!), socks, undies, shirts, no passport.
Ahh, my brain cell remembered, I had stuffed it in the bedside cabinet in a bag within a bag. Why? Long story………

We had had these special wallets sent by the tour company for our passports, and for a change I had decided to be efficient and put each passport in its own wallet. On the day, it seemed a little silly to carry four wallets, so transferred all to one wallet, but unfortunately, one of the passports decided to play hide and seek and hid in the wallet, which I stuffed in another bag, as I do not like coming back to a messy house!!

One would think I had lost the crown jewels! Pessimistic voices droned on and on and on…..just as well we were early……….we could have missed the plane………passports are not something you can buy……!

Was I glad to see the airport!

Lucky day, no queues! Got there in time!! Thank you GOD!

‘Sorry you have just missed the flight’ said the attendant
‘WHAT?’
Check, check, check- yep, ticket said flight was at 7pm, we had arrived at 7:15pm, but the e mail had said the flight was supposed to be at 10pm.

Miloni, the secretary had given us the incorrect times and we had not checked the tickets. I had been too busy singing Cliff Richards, ‘we are all going on a China holiday………….,’ no time or inclination to act like a schoolmaster and check the secretary’s work!!

Disastrous consequences it may have been but there was not a lot we could do, except wait for the next flight, which we were told was full. I prayed that someone else had made the same mistake, giving us the chance to get on and still make the connection to Shanghai.

Miloni, me lonely
Sab log chale gaye
Hum reh gaye
Miloni, tune yeh kya kiya
Miloni, me lonely

‘I can’t believe this- all this distress and you are writing a shairi?’

What else is there to do in the three hours?

Finally, fantastic, 6 people had not turned up! Brilliant, me not lonely! Not so fast- bureaucracy mad officials tell me our names were not amongst the first in the waiting list, so can’t board.

‘And don’t say me lonely, one more time’ screamed the dejected family in unison.


I did not have the heart to say I was thinking more of

inhi logo ne,
inhi logo ne,
inhi logo ne le liyi china ki seat meri

I could have easily danced away with the baggage trolley wheels as the ghunghroo, but looks seemed to sear me with kebab skewers, my eye balls as lychees roasting away……..

‘Why don’t we go to the airport internet café upstairs and book another ticket’ said one of my intelligent boys.

I swear if I hadn’t given birth to him, I would have demanded a DNA test!!

‘Please, allow me to make amends, I will find another flight’ I said in my meek sorry voice.

I have never seen such incredulous looks!! Did I think they were mad? Persuasive powers took over in full force- against their better judgment they agreed.

I am a genius, day felt like hell, so looked for flights to Hell Sink In and bingo!! Booked- Heathrow- Helsinki-Shanghai! Ok, admit it was a little bit of a detour, but I managed to get us all there!! I don’t give up; I am a positive kinda gal!!

Fantastic holiday, stared in amazement at the Indian army of fake UGG boots!! The terracotta army was good too!!

Alright, did manage to get lost a couple of times- didn’t have time to learn any of the Chinese lingo so communications was a little difficult!

‘Hoo Tel?’ Suddenly, someone called Mr Hoo appeared!

It is such a shame that the day the ‘sat navs’ were handed out, my brain had to queue up for humour!!

Round and round I went, had tears of frustration, could see me years later polishing shoes, with slitty eyes straining to find my loved ones……singing

Chalte chalte, chalte chalte
Yuhi gum hogayi mein
Kitne saal hogaye , Chalte chalte, chalte chalte

Luckily, the stars were in my favour and I found someone who could speak English!! I did a magical twirl and there standing in front of me was the hotel!! You may well laugh, but it’s easy to miss the Name written in English under the Chinese script!!

Shanghai to Beijing- what could possibly go wrong?

Slight problem of separation from the rest of my family, but coaches were going to the same airport so there was no need to panic.

Waited patiently for the next coach to arrive, mind lost in learning Chinese songs

Lin min yin
Qin tin win
I vill win
I m queen

Time left me in my musical world where Leona Lewis wept whilst I coveted the record of the year award……….

‘There she is!’ I turned around to face the thousands of fans, only to see Chinese soldiers rushing towards me. Instinct told me ‘RUN’ - communist country- maybe Qin, min, Lin were swear words; I ran as fast as my tree trunks would let me!

‘STOP, MUM’ my babies, how could I forget my babies. No option, I was going to face the music and give myself up!

It transpired that my knight in shining armour had sent out a search party because everyone else from my coach had checked in safe and sound and I was nowhere to be seen. How could I have checked in without my Swami?

I will never forget seeing the tears of relief on my saviour‘s face when they found me. I will also never forget how they turned to fireballs when he realised I was waiting at the International Departures instead of the Local departures! Some people are never pleased for long!!

The rest of the trip was full of fun filled laughter. We made some very good friends, may have appeared on local TV as the most cosmopolitan group- Indian folk in Beijing, wearing comical Chinese hats, eating Italian food singing Hindi songs!!

Loved every minute of it!
I still can’t figure out why my better half would rather stick pins in his eyes than take me on another holiday!!